currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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