Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
