you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
