We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize