you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
