I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
