someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
