I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
