would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
