She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
