You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
