After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
