Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
