I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Randomize
