fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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