Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
