I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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