i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
