im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
