I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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