why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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