I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
