you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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