After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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