maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
