We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
