Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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