if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
