In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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