you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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