I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
