I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
