seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize