I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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