Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
