Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
