my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
