I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
My dad is sitting where you rode me
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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