Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
