Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
