I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
