I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
