birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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