I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.