if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
