i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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