Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
