Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I smell like Dick and happiness
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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