You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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