I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
