I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
