my phone needs a breathalizer
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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